The Friend Chronicles

I'd like to just take a break from talking about how boring my life is, and instead, over the next few days, introduce you to the fine, upstanding individuals that are my friends:

The first: Alex, also known as “the manfriend”, or “the boyfriend”, depending on what kind of mood I'm in when I'm blogging. This June, we'll have been together for three years, he's lived with me for... about two of those? But yeah. Anyway, about the manfriend, as far as nerds go, he (along with the majority of the people you're about to hear about) is one of the card game and anime variety. He plays just about everything you can think of, Pokemon, Magic the Gathering, Yu-Gi-Oh!, but on top of that, he's pretty much a human calculator. He is the Daniel Biss to my John Green, and on several occasions, I've had to ask him for some calculation and even wound up going “Whoa... okay, seriously, that fast?!” While normally being really quiet, he has an undying love for really lame jokes, Guitar Hero and black dress pants.

Oh, and he smells good.

Beth, also known as “Ginger Tits”, “Amazon Woman”, “Jessica Rabbit” and “BJ Mack”. Our friendship was formed over the fact that I knew scores of obscure bands and her desperation to find one that I'd never heard of. She stands at at least 6 feet tall and has the hugest boobs I have ever seen. I often find myself wondering how she manages to stand in an upright position, considering how tiny the rest of her body is and have asked her this on several occasions. All of that aside though, we're very similar individuals, and she's probably the closest thing to a sister that I'll ever have. We're incapable of going out in public together without someone there to play the voice of reason, else we'd probably get arrested or banned from every building in my area. Not only is she an incredibly free spirit who doesn't have enough time to let herself soar, she's a frakking AMAZING artist, so much so that I've actually gotten one of her pieces tattooed on me, and I'm trying to talk her into designing a couple others for that very reason.

Troy, Beth's boyfriend. We all met him at Beth's former college, where he'd interjected into a conversation on how to create and awkward situation by saying: “You wanna know how to make someone feel awkward? Ask them if they can describe their grandmother's vagina.” It was that very second that I knew we would be friends with this guy. I didn't know, however, that almost two years later, he would make probably the coolest boyfriend Beth has ever had, and he's easily the favorite big-brother-friend that I have. Although I really miss his Jew-fro.